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My strange love life

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I feel like that passenger that is always late for the bus. My situation is always either I am trying hard for my partner but after years, decide to throw in the towel then my ex decides to try and love me (after I’ve moved on) or when someone is in love with me, the feeling is not mutual.

I am not chasing a relationship but I would love to know what’s going on with me or what will be. I would love to know who is going to choose me so that I can stop worrying about this aspect of my life.

I was reminded tonight that I have a lot of goals to accomplish, having a husband and a child is going to slow those down or even worse put them to a halt permanently. This is understandable and I love that I was reminded of such. However, I am a female, a woman. Our Creator Jehovah made us want a companion and the benefits of same according to His will.

Yes, there is plenty of things I want to get done now, I don’t disagree but there is more to life than just work. Currently, I am a single woman working many jobs during a global pandemic. This pandemic means the outside world has adjusted itself to do its part. This also means that things I used to do for fun pre covid are now almost close to being extinct.

I am not the type to have a big group of people around me, I prefer small more intimate groups of people I know and care about. Pre covid, I would spend my days chilling with my boyfriend and that would take away any problems I had for the week. It wasn’t about the sex; but more about the company. Having one special person to tell everything to without feeling weird. Having one special person to be comfortable around, laugh, vibe, and grow with.

Somebody that loves you and you love them the same.

That EXCITEMENT you get when you go home to that special person, that is all for you. Only cares about you, only loves you. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get that love back. Maybe 20x more? Will I ever fall in love with someone that appreciates me for who I am? Does that love me for the type of woman I am? Giving me the love, I deserve when I deserve it? Or, will I continue being rejected by people I have grown fond of?

Will the men that chased me for years finally back off or will I find myself wondering if maybe I might have to settle for one of my exes? What will happen in my strange love life? Though non-existent now, will it become the thrilling experience I know and love? When will be my time and most importantly will I be ready for it? Am I choosing to be blind about some issues I might face focusing solely on the benefits? Will that be the biggest problem? Will I find joy in my situation then or will I regret it?

All these questions. I can’t wait to find out what the answers will be.

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