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Gizzadas For Her Husband

An elderly Jamaican man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Jamaican pastry, ‘Gizzada’ wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally dozens of Gizzadas.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the Gizzada was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a Gizzada at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a ‘dutch-pot’ by his wife.

‘Move yu back-side!” she said, “Dem ya a fe you nine-nite.”

 

Dollas Run Tings

After a hard day at work Puncie arrived home and walked into her bedroom to find her husband in bed with another woman. The woman was asleep but Puncie’s husband was awake and shaking with fear of what Puncie would do.

Puncie spun around and headed for the kitchen to grab a knife. Her husband jumped out of bed to follow her. He grabbed her and said, “Puncie, me lub, me sarry”. Puncie replied, “yu no sarry yet. Wait til mi done wid har. Den yu will sarry!”

Puncie’s husband said, “lawd Puncie man, no gwan so. Beg yu please no hurt har. Yu see dat nice Maxima wey we drive? A she buy it gi mi. Yu si yu weddin ban an diaman ring pan yu finga? A fi har money me tek buy it gi yu. An a wey yu tink me get de money fi pay di magage dis month?”

Puncie stopped for a few seconds to think then replied, “Den cova har up no? We no want har fi ketch cold!!”

 

Dividing The Offering

There were three pastors (an American, Chinese and a Jamaican) of a certain Christian denomination and they were having some difficulty making a decision regarding their Sunday church offering; specifically, which portion they should keep as salary, and which portion should go to the Lord.

The American said, “Whenever I collect the offering and the service is through, after church I put the money in a box, go outside, take a stick and draw a line on the floor and throw the money in the air. Whatever falls on the right is for the Lord and whatever falls on the left is mine.”

The Chinese said, “I put money in box, I don’t draw line – I draw circle! I stand in center, throw box wit money in air- whatever fall on outside is mine and what fall inside is for Lord.”

The Jamaican then replied “Mi naw draw a circle, mi naw draw a line. All I do is put de money inna a box and fling it inna de air … whateva de Lawd want, him betta grab it fast cause what drop on de groung a fi mi.

 

Advanced Ancestors

After having dug 100m, British scientists found traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one millennium ago.

So as not to be outdone, in the weeks to follow, the French dug 200m (100deeper than their neighbors) and headlines in the French newspapers read:

“French scientists found traces of 2000 year old optical fibers, and concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high tech digital telephone networks 1000 years earlier than the Brits.”

One week later, the Jamaican press reported the following: “After having dug as deep as 500m, Jamaican scientists found absolutely nothing and concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using cellular.”

 

Driving In Kingston

BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN KINGSTON

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Kingston driver never uses them.

2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. The other guy doesn’t have anything to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it’s a chance to stretch your legs.

7. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It’s a good way to scare people for a laugh.

8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a suggestion and
are apparently not enforceable in Kingston.

9. Just because you’re in the right lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn’t mean that a Kingston driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn’t think he can go faster in your
spot.

10. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly. Kingston is the home of the high-speed ‘dally’ , thanks to the KSAC, which puts pot-holes in key locations to test drivers’ reflexes and keep them on their toes.

12. It is traditional in Kingston to honk your horn at cars that don’t move the instant the light turns green.

13. Remember that the goal of every Kingston driver is to get there first –by whatever means necessary.

 

(All jokes and more can be found here.)

 

Blessings in abundance!

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