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Word to God, I feel like the more things change, the more it remains the same. I knew deep down inside of me that you were for me out of nothing else but how you treated me. But somewhere, somehow I always have this piece of me in the back of my mind that says that maybe this is way too good to be true.
I feel like I am tempted to say that “All men are the same” I feel like you put me in the perfect spot to say that, to believe that and I truly don’t want to. I write this with tears in my eyes, another hope I had destroyed, another reason to be depressed, another reason why I wonder why I am not good enough, another day I wonder to myself if I can continue.
Can I convince myself another day, another week, another month, another year that I am worthy? Can I convince myself that I am strong enough to endure this? Can I convince myself that I can be myself again? Can I convince myself that I will find happiness; true joy? Can I convince myself to keep looking forward? Can I convince myself that there is hope for me? Can I continue being strong, independent, confident?
Can I pretend for another time I do not hurt? Can I look at couples and know deep down that this will be one day or is this the end for me? Can I try “relationships” again? Can I give myself again?
I am tired.
I am exhausted.
I am tired of looking, I am tired of trying, I am tired of giving my best and my all and not getting back what I desire. I am tired of opening up to new people only to be disappointed once more. I am tired of failing.
I am tired of feeling my heartbreak in a billion pieces just because I refuse to stop being a good person. I am tired of crying myself to sleep because I have no idea what I’m doing wrong.
Is it because of the way I look? The way I walk? The way I speak?
Is it because of my minimum wage job? Is it my height, weight, financial status?
What’s wrong with me? Why aren’t I good enough?
Mental exhaustion is the worst form of exhaustion anyone can face. The brain is tired and you feel your entire body giving up. You feel your hands shaking as your heart continues to shatter. You feel the knot tie in your stomach as the tears scream to be let out of you.
It’s too much to bear.
It’s too much to know that things keep changing and they keep remaining the same. It is as if I am stuck in a déjà vu.
What should I do to make things change and change for the good?
What should I do to make myself happy?
How do I fix my broken heart? How do I keep fixing myself?