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For Those Who Want To Be Numb (Are You Sure?)

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There has always been a desire by some of us to be emotionally numb. To be clear, this would mean not being affected by anything or anyone, not feeling pain, not being angry because of a memory of event, and the interpretations go on. Numbness is romanticized and often confused with strength and durability. But, are you sure you want to be numb?

Having feelings is what keeps you alive. It gives direction and promise and purpose; in any case, it would help you to open your mind to the various possibilities that exist in living a wonderful life. Sure, people can hurt you and that’s not fun; yet, what if you were never to feel at all? What if you never got mad, or never got annoyed at the actions of someone else? Stay with me for a bit, as I shed a bit of light on my own numbness.

I don’t have a 5-year plan – it’s hard enough wanting to live to see tomorrow. Love or hate me, I’m indifferent. Make sure you follow your passions; I can’t really inspire them for/ with you. If your loved one just died I’ll have to practice being able to comfort you (people die, these things happen). I’m never really happy, but will act like it to fit in and will laugh loudly at a bad joke just to try and feel involved.

Overtime, this can isolate you. Physically, you can end up draining a room if you’re not careful because everyone will be able to feel that heaviness/negativity/toxicity/whatever word we use to describe such things. Emotionally, people may question if they can trust you because you tend to not feel the same way they do about anything at all. Health wise, you may start to suffer because you don’t sleep well or you get anxious too often, or you’re very abrasive when compassion is required. These things are not fun to deal with.

Eventually you realize that this isn’t life, and it’s not fun to always be emotionally flat lined. Yes, change can happen. No, it doesn’t always happen quickly, and it doesn’t even have to happen at all. Yes, I’ve prayed and read my Bible and asked for a change of heart. No, my hormonal imbalances (lack of serotonin, dopamine, etc.) don’t change immediately/at all. Yes, I would love if you trust my words and intentions, but no, I don’t feel like I need to work for that trust. It’s hard enough to carry my own body and bones.

I personally work hard to make sure that I am at least understood. I don’t want to hurt or offend. I will give you all the distance in the world if I make you uncomfortable, and if you can bear to be around me, then we’ll work out a bond that can potentially last for life. However, in this world of material things, “real vs fake” and unsaid expectations, I remain a block of ice, unwilling to take part because I just don’t process the information mentally in the same way society does.

Mental Health Awareness. Ask any questions you may need to. I will answer. Just promise yourself that you will always feel.

Blessings in abundance!

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