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A Letter to My Ex (Part Two)

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In the midst of it all, I began to hate the concept of time. I began to hate myself; I gave up on my dreams, my life, my future. I hated everyone and everything yet I could not muster up the courage to hate you.

At no point did I ever notice the red flags with you yet I started to see them in everyone else. I started to leave everyone hanging because of what you did to me; what you taught me. I pushed everyone away, I kept to myself. Even when I was drowning in pain and misery. I was dying to feel again; I was dying to be felt by you.

I allowed myself to be vulnerable to you and only you. It puzzles me to this day because I am a strong black woman, not Boo Boo the Fool. So why did I allow myself to be susceptible to you? I was sent in a trance-like state whenever you said, “I love you”. I fell in love with you again after you started to give me undivided attention. I fell head over heels for you when you called me at 2:00 AM just to tell me you loved me.

But you did this for what?

I felt like I was on cloud nine.

I felt like I was with the old you again whenever we would do long drives at night. The overwhelming emotions that would overpower me whenever I was around you; whenever you kissed me, whenever you touched me.

At this very second, as I am writing with the well of tears swelling inside, I don’t know what hurts more. The fact that I miss you or the fact that I KNEW you were damaging me and I allowed it? I don’t know what haunted me more, the fact that I was brave enough to fall for you or stupid enough to take you back?

I wondered for years what I did wrong. I had sleepless nights; I cried for months because you allowed me to think I was the problem. You caused me to think I was the crazy one. You told me time after time that I was not the problem but your actions said otherwise. Why did you allow me to think that? Why would you shatter me like that? What did I do to you that was so traumatic you had no other choice but to rip me to pieces?

You had no other option but to drag me from my world of happiness and peace and place me into a dungeon of loneliness and hate, you call your home. You had no alternative but to take me out on dates and feed me lies, distrust, misery, heartache, sorrow.

Do you know how long it took for me to realize I was never the problem?

Do you know how hard it was for me to take myself off the ground, even though every bone inside of me was broken from your push?

Do you know how hard it was for me to walk again after you crushed me?

Do you know the level of strength it took for me to turn around, go the other way just so I could move on from you?

Read Part One here

 

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