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A Letter To My Ex (Part One)

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It’s weird to imagine that there is one person out there that knows you inside out. Someone who took the time out to know you just to take advantage of you. Someone who gave you the time of day just so they could spend the day ignoring you. Someone who gave you everything and nothing.

Too many people on social media express publicly what a relationship should look like. Be with your best friend, treat your girl like a queen, and your man like a king. Yet when all that is said and done, you are thrown away like garbage to the dump.

What’s the point? We spend all this time learning about each other just to become strangers again.

The irony in the way a relationship works got me thinking, maybe this is why Jehovah told us to date someone before we marry and build a life with them. Date them to find out if they truly are worth our time, body and a place in our life.

So many feelings keep me up at night and slowly but surely I can feel the consequences of being in a toxic relationship creep on me. The anxiety, depression, trust, loyalty, and attachment issues. Having to deal with abandonment and the stress of wondering what I did wrong and how I can fix whatever tore us apart.

Nevermind the fact of the reluctancy we’ve developed of opening ourselves to others out of fear of being taking advantage of; all thanks to you.

Even though you threw me under the bus, trampled and stifled me, hurt me to the core almost to the point of suicide; I still loved you. Worst yet, I still missed you. Not the you that I know now, no, I missed the old you, the one I fell in love with. The old you that wanted to speak to me every day, all day. The one that planned on building a life with me. The one that wanted to get to know me and be around me every minute of every day. The person that gave me butterflies and made me comfortable to be the best version of myself. The person that brought out parts of me that I didn’t know I had.

The feelings I had for you ran deep to my core like the roots of a tree. I realized this was true when months passed and I could not stop thinking of you. Every day for years, the person I could see myself with was you.

Despite my better judgment, I indulged myself in the ruins of what was instead of making peace and moving on to something that I could call, “what is”. I scrolled through pictures we had together and reread every text message between us, just to feel close to you.
They say time heals all wounds but time was not on my side with this one. The time allowed me to miss you more; time allowed me to fall in love with someone who didn’t even love himself. Time is the best weapon for many people but it was my kryptonite.

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